No Laughing Matter
One serious malady I suffer from excessively, is uncontrollable laughter. There is no force in nature that can keep me from laughing when something strikes me as extremely amusing. I have tried everything, from diverting my line of thought onto something grave and tragic, trying to physically uncurl the corners of my lips and holding them in the right position, to adjusting my facial muscles to put on an expression suggestive of sobriety. Sadly, this is one of the things that fall in the realms of the involuntary. I have learned the hard way, that any attempt to control it, only lets laughter find its way out in more thunderous manifestations.
Since the scope of this matter is too large, I shall limit my narrative to how I managed to get my friend Neena and myself in trouble during our Math class. There is never a dull moment when Neena and I sit together during Math class. Once, we were being taught about”Probability”, and as always, our lecturer had come equipped with his rather unique and exotic set of vocabulary tools. Neena and I were seated on the first bench as usual (we often get away with all the tomfoolery when we sit on the first bench!)
Our first problem was related to the probability of a tossed coin resulting in a head or a tail. Somewhere in the middle of the explanation, our lecturer exclaimed “If a caain(coin) be the heads, can it be the taeels(tails)?” I looked at Neena from the corner of my eyes and my eyes met hers. This is the usual procedure – our eyes meet, laughter bubbles all the way up and temporarily gets stuck somewhere between the palate and the nostrils, then our defeated self-control slowly gives way to the stuffed up laughter. The above sequence of events followed resulting in a half-audible snigger coupled with mild convulsions of the body. The lecturer looked at us, a little bewildered (he wouldn’t get the joke, would he?) but chose not to say anything.
Minutes later, he started relating an incident that had occurred the previous day at the bus stop. How he found the incident relevant to the topic under discussion, I could not tell. “Yesterday I be standing in the bus staap(stop) waiting for a bus, when I see and smell a man smoking. I got angry due to suffocation so I stand beside him and says, “Hey! Switch off your cigarette!!”” He never got to complete that story. In a thoughtless moment, Neena and I let the laughter sneak out of our parted lips and the otherwise silent classroom, reverberated with the sudden outbreak of laughter. The lecturer had his eyes fixed on us, with an expression of loathing, and said “What makes you peoples laaf(laugh), I say?” “No no…”, we replied with a knowing chuckle, “..nothing sir!” Although our lecturer had a gentle heart, he belonged more to the ‘kick-them-out-of-class’ school of thought. We got away with mild rebuke and a warning hinting at the same. This only got us into a tighter tangle than ever – we had to exercise more efficient control over the uncontrollable.
Ten more minutes and we’d be done with the class with the much-desired attendance obtained. The last problem dealt with the probability of the occurrence of an earthquake. “Take down praablem(problem) number six”, he boomed, “AN EARTHQUAKE WAS CONDUCTED IN 1996…” We never heard him complete that question. I looked at Neena. She looked back at me with an expression I have never witnessed on any human countenance before or since. Laughter had been invoked in its most virulent form. After ten seconds of superhuman effort, it made frantic struggles for freedom and sent us into violent fits of unparalleled convulsions. I laughed harder as if I had seen a bit of humour that had escaped Neena. We had made the lecturer’s blood pressure hit a new high. There was no earthly necessity for our getting up. When the laughter had subsided, we found ourselves in the corridor and heard the loud thud of a well-slammed door.
First Things First
Ever since the beginning of this month, I have been forced to endure one hapless catastrophe after another. I have an important test coming up and my otherwise valiant immune system, which normally wipes out even the memory of every bacterium and virus that presents itself before it, decided to chicken out this time. Just for a change. But, determined as I am, I had decided to open my book and load the contents onto my brain by 11 am. I don’t know why it should be, but I woke up this morning, looked at my watch and screamed “NINE O’ WHAT?!!!” and cursed everything I knew. Then I fell asleep again and got up at eleven.
As I hastily squeezed some paste onto my toothbrush, I fanned my burning determination by allowing myself to extend the deadline to 2 pm. But first things first. A good breakfast was what I needed to prepare myself for all the concentrated effort. Studying for an important test is not something to be taken lightly. I sat down to eat with an easy mind and ate until I went uneasy in my stomach. “I say, I don’t think much of this breakfast, do you?” I asked my mom. I thought it very unkind of her, but the look she gave me made me ill. Half-hoping, half-afraid, I asked her if she could give me a glass of milk. When she agreed to do so, upon my face there shone a great radiance of deep joy.
Holding the glass of milk, I wormed my way along to the study. The overstrain upon my brain induced by all the planning, had produced a general depression throughout the system. I felt that the absence of the necessity for thought, would restore the mental equilibrium. So I sat for a couple of hours and thought about nothing. That came rather easily to me. Nothing can damp my ardour when I set my heart onto something. When I finally looked up and cast a curious glance at my watch, to my intense surprise, it was 1:30 already! 2 o’ clock was the extended deadline and I was beginning to feel strongly on the subject; but I soon realized that one makes these extraordinary plans in moments of excitement, but of course, when one comes to think of it, one sees how absurdly out of proportion they are with reality. So, at 2 o’ clock, I tried to look as if I didn’t know it. That came rather easily to me.
At 2:30, I opened my book and read the name of the chapter aloud “The 6 essentials of software testing”. How simple! I could read all about it in half an hour! I felt like a jungle creature advancing upon its prey. If half an hour was all that it would take, what was the need to hurry? Truth compelled me to support this train of thought. I’d get back to it in half a jiffy! And now we come to something that is quite beyond me… I absolutely and positively have no recollection of falling asleep – a refreshing sleep which lasted till the coming of the evening cup of coffee.
The recent lapse of time had rendered all of my schemes null and void. It was 6 o’ clock, but I still believed that the great brain would find a formula. At the risk of sounding immodest, I admit that I am a girl who succumbs not, to her own avoidance tactics. The final plan – I’d quietly sip my coffee and then get back to the books with vengeance. And I did it without a murmur. I mean, I sipped my coffee without a murmur. Only after brooding for what seemed like eternity, I decided to set the little grey cells in operation without further delay.
It’s a curious fact, but what seemed easy a couple of hours ago, now seemed rather cryptic. I was annoyed at my slowness of comprehension. For some reason, which I am unable to explain, I turned the pages to the end of the chapter – to the References. Just to get a laugh out of the names. All the violent laughing forced me to admit that this book was certainly value for money. Thanks to parents who name their kids ‘Collins and Lazier’, ‘Pringle and Longnecker’ and ‘Weihrich and Koontz’. The laughter had taken its toll and at 11, I was finally able to switch off the lights and fall into a refreshing slumber which lasted till the coming of the morning cup of tea.
It’s extraordinary, but was it true that a girl like me, with a razor-keen intelligence, had allowed herself to while away time like that?! Yes. I thought it probable. I still had four hours left. But too many thoughts had me all fuzzy in the brain. So I got down to writing all of them down. A great weight has been lifted off my mind! So if you’ll excuse me now, I have to go make the final effort of a dying rooster. First things first.
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